After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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