Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
