break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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