i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
