there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
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