I wish I could punch you in the face.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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