I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
