Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
