Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
