Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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