Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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