if you like me you must not know who I am
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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