Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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