they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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