I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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