you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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