tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
