I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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