this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
