Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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