his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
