If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he thought i was a dude.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
