apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
