Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
