My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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