She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
