1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you would pick up someone in the library
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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