if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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