I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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