it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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