I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
