dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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