After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
