why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
