My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
What happened to fro yo and sex?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
