I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
