i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
