stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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