while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
