i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
