I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
