Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
