her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
