I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
