i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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