I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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