I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
