I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
