my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
