just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
