Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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